potrero view

December 2008

What About the Children: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Jocelyn Cremer, Tamara Hicks, and Elizabeth Gayner, Clinical Psychologists

Parents often worry about the effects on their children of their decision to stay in or leave a problematic relationship.  After a separation or divorce children are typically sad and confused.  However, staying in a bad relationship for the child’s benefit usually isn’t a good strategy over the long-term.  Children eventually pick up on their parents’ tension, conflict, or disconnection, with negative consequences.  

A longitudinal study conducted by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. suggests that separation/divorce has a profoundly negative and long lasting impact on children. Some adults who experienced their parents’ separation/divorce feel that the experience affects their ability to have good adult relationships.  However, Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. points out that what’s most important to a child’s emotional well being is not whether their parents stay together, but a cessation of parental conflict. The key to reducing the harm caused by separation/divorce is for parents to stay communicative, amicable and polite to one another.  Studies find that children who experienced cooperative separation/divorce fare as well as their peers from intact homes.

Choosing to stay or go is a difficult decision.  Once a parent has decided to separate or divorce a few steps can help minimize the harmful immediate effects, and improve the chances that the child will do fine.

Both parents should inform the child, and give them a rationale for why they need to separate/divorce in age-appropriate language.  The child shouldn’t be burdened with too many details.  Information should be given in a calm, loving way, and the separation/divorce should be presented as a mutual decision, even when it is not.  Specifics should be given about where parents will live and other changes.  The most important idea to get across is that the parents are separating from or divorcing each other, not their children, and that they will still be loved by both parents.  It should be emphasized that the divorce is not the child’s fault, and that they might feel a range of normal feelings including anger, sadness, anxiety and shame.

During this painful time, establishing a good support system can help protect a parent from overly confiding in their child, or turning to their child for comfort.  Adult children of parents who separated or divorced who were overly relied upon for emotionally support by their parents can feel resentful.  It’s the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child gets to stay a child.  

According to Ahrons, what the “children wanted was not for their parents to be friends as much as they wanted them to be cordial and not bad mouth each other.” Talking negatively about the other parent puts the child in a position of feeling he/she needs to take sides.  Children should never be put in the middle of their parents’ conflict. This includes having the child be a messenger to the other parent, even about seemingly benign topics, such as schedule changes.  

The loss of seeing a parent every day, and losing the idea that their parents are in love, is difficult for children. In therapy, children most often report that the biggest challenge for them is all the structural changes – moving homes, switching schools, not seeing their friends, different rules – that have taken place. The routine that has grounded the child has been pulled out from under them, creating anxiety and anger.  Maintaining as much of the pre-separation/divorce routine as possible is imperative. If parental conflict isn’t high, and the parents can choose when to separate, it makes sense to look at how many transitions are coming up in the child’s life. For instance, is the child about to start a new school in a month?  Ideally, the separation should occur months away from another significant transition in the child’s life.  

Children’s needs change as they develop or the family composition is altered with the addition of a new partner or sibling.   Ideally, the child needs an adult – a teacher, relative, therapist, coach or family friend – other than the parent who they trust and know they can contact at any time.   Having more adults involved in the child’s life widens their support network and helps flag any behavioral changes.

Separation/divorce can trigger a lengthy grieving period. The goal isn’t to circumvent the child’s sadness, but to notice and address it.  For families going through separation/divorce there are wonderful resources available, including The Good Divorce, by Constance Ahrons, What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce, by Judith Wallerstein, and Divorce & New Beginnings, by Genevieve Clapp.  In addition, Kids’ Turn www.kidsturn.org, 415.437.0700, is an excellent Bay Area resource that offers workshops for kids and parents.   

Clinical Psychologists Jocelyn Cremer, Tamara Hicks, and Elizabeth Gayner practice at Potrero Hill Psychotherapy.

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