OP-ED: Television Ads

My Dad hated to watch ads on TV. In the 1970’s he got a device called “Blab-Off,” a cord connected to the television that had an “on/off” toggle switch one could hold in their hand about six feet away from the set.

As my father’s son, I too have always detested TV ads. I mute them for the most part and often shift from channel to channel to avoid commercials, which irks my wife.

I probably watch too much TV, especially the news. The local news channels inundate viewers with ad after ad touting the best law firms to hire when you get in a car crash. There are at least eight different firms vying for our business; if we could just get injured in a car crash!

When I switch to national news I get swamped with drug commercials; apparently only our country allows medicine purveyors to advertise. Then I get concerned that I may have pneumococcal pneumonia, or my A-Fib is out of whack.

I don’t intend to make light of anyone who has these afflictions or needs these drugs, but watching heavy set people cheering and dancing and singing ecstatically about their new panacea hits a wrong note for me.

“Giardiance is a little pill with a great big story to tell!” 

So is LSD. It’s a great little tab with a rad, fab experience to endure.

“My doctor said Mylanta”

“Ask your doctor if Rezevi is right for you!”

I’ll get right on that: “Hey, some doctor I can never find, let alone call my own…Is Rezevi right for me?” 

Apparently, all I need is “one little pill”. A day, a week, a month?

Imagine the slew of marketing aces sitting around a corporate table tossing out potential names for the next big money drug: “Fixfura…Eloquist..Chillaxia…Bandovid… Pexroomie…Nixfocus…Altoliveria…Cocktoovey…Plexar.. Side effects may include: pants á wetting, embarrassment, elongated nose hairs, urinary bliss, sudden heart implosion, marital elasticity, angry charcoal turds, constant sacerdotal twitching, explosive church pew diarrhea, sweaty gums, social anonymity and death.”

Use as directed.

If I follow all the TV advertisement instructions and behave as a minion to their offerings, I not only need to get into several car accidents – and become quite injured, but make sure it’s not my fault – and develop a myriad of health infirmities so l can ask my phantom doctor what’s right for me.

These ads leave me feeling hollow, vulnerable and irritated. I wonder if there’s a pill I could take for that?